Armageddon Pirates of the Caribbean Style
by purplediamond7
Summary: It's the end of the world! According to Captain Jack Sparrow. Includes a wannabe Kraken, Will and Elizabeth singing Phantom of the Opera, and activism for the Mooing Rights of Wooly Rhinos, and an epic quest peanut butter coconut vanilla ice cream.
1. The End of the World

**Armageddon: Pirates of the Caribbean Style**

Declaimer: Walt Disney owns Pirates of the Caribbean, Monty Python owns the galaxy of Andromeda, and I am neither of those people.

**The End of the World**

Captain Jack Sparrow was trying to have a quiet evening with his rum. Unfortunately, Fate didn't want that. An enormous green crab fell onto the deck in front of Jack. It was about three feet wide. Jack choked on his rum and looked up at the sky. There was nothing there to indicate where the crab came from. Meanwhile, the crab scuttled towards Jack. Jack edged away.

"What the hell...?" Jack trailed off.

"I'm a talking crab from the planet Mambran in the galaxy of Andromeda," announced the talking crab from the planet Mambran in the galaxy of Andromeda.

"Ummm, can you go back to planet Mambran?" asked Jack.

"Sure," said the talking crab from the planet Mambran in the galaxy of Andromeda, and promptly vanished. Jack breathed a sigh of relief. TOO SOON!

A very big fish plopped onto the deck. If fact, it looked like a very small whale.

"I am the Kraken!" the fish cried.

"No you're not!" Jack argued.

The fish looked let down. "It's always been my life ambition to be the Kraken!" it sobbed, and started to cry. "It's not my fault I'm not the Kraken! I've wanted to be since I was two months old!"

It went on wailing about it's blighted ambitions, as Jack stared at it in horror and surprise. Then Jack recovered sufficiently to pick up the wannabe-Kraken and dump it overboard. Jack breathed a sigh of relief again. TOO SOON! Again.

"I could have danced all night,

I could have danced all night,

And still have begged for more!

I could have--" Elizabeth Swann sang, appearing out of nowhere on the deck. Will materialized the next second while Jack was still staring in dumb amazement. Will took a resigned look at Jack.

"She's been like that all day,"

"--I've never done before." Elizabeth sang.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" Jack demanded of the nearest sane person, who didn't happen to exist. Well, at least Jack thought that Will was sane, but that was until Will burst into song too.

"Sing once again with me, our strange duet,

My power over you grows stronger yet!" Will sang. Jack was shocked to find that Will was not a soprano.

"You're not a soprano!" he cried. Elizabeth slapped Jack.

"No more talk of darkness,

Forget these wide-eyed fears.

I'm here, nothing can harm you," Will sang to Elizabeth. Jack gaped in horrified astonishment. What was going on with the world? He took a reviving sip of rum. It didn't really help.

"Say you'll share with me each night, each morning," howled Will and Elizabeth together.

"I thought you already did," Jack said. "The nights at least."

"Love me, that's all I ask of you..." they went on. Dramatic music started playing. Jack looked around and saw that it was Davy Jones playing along with them on his infamous pipe-organ.

Jack now knew that the world was ending.

A/N: Yes, I know it's random. Please review! I'll give you figurative ice cream!


	2. The Mooing Right of Wooly Rhinos

**Armageddon: Pirates of the Caribbean Style**

Declaimer: Yes, I own it all! It's all mine! Isn't it obvious that I'm a multi-millioner?

**The Mooing Rights of Wooly Rhinos**

Captain Jack Sparrow sank down onto the staircase behind him, staring at Will and Elizabeth singing, with Davy Jones playing along. This was completely insane. What was going on? Jack decided to ask Davy Jones about it when something happened to interrupt him.

The something was a wooly rhino, the kind that lived in the ice age. It fell in the middle of the deck, nearly broke through the boards, and mooed loudly.

"It's mooing," Jack said blankly.

Will and Elizabeth stopped singing. Davy Jones stopped playing. All three looked at Jack and the wooly rhino.

"Of course it's mooing," Elizabeth said, "Why shouldn't it moo?"

"Well, it a rhino," Jack explained.

"Rhinos have got a right to moo as much as anyone else," Will declared.

"Yes!" Elizabeth exclaimed. "We should start a protest! 'The Mooing Rights of Wooly Rhinos'! Everyone in favor, raise your right hand as say 'Aye'!"

Will and Davy Jones yelled "Aye" very enthusiastically and the supporters of the Mooing Rights of Wooly Rhinos got together to discuss further campaigning plans.

Jack had the feeling that he should be doing something other than staring mutely, but he couldn't think of anything.

Then Norrington appeared out of nowhere.

"Fido!" he cried, seeing the wooly rhino, "there you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

"Do you mean that this -- this _thing_ is your?" Jack demanded.

"Yes!" Norrington cried defiantly. "She's my favorite pet!"

"_She?_" Jack demanded.

"Yes!" Norrington announced defiantly. "She's a _female_ wooly rhino! What's wrong with that?"

"Never mind..." Jack said with a sigh of exasperation. Subconsciously, he had always counted on Norrington to be sane. But Beckett was. Yes, Beckett definitely was. _He_ wouldn't have female wooly rhinos named Fido for pets. Jack began to feel almost glad that a reliably sane Beckett existed in the world.

Well, speak of the devil.

Beckett appeared out of nowhere. Jack's momentary hope for Beckett's sanity was instantly and brutally dashed.

"Help! Help!" Beckett was screaming. "Help! The FBI is after me! Help! Heeeeeeeeelp!!!!!"

Jack, not for the first time in the past half an hour, stared in horror. It wasn't only that Beckett was gibbering about the FBI, it was...

the way he was dressed...

Beckett was wearing a violently orange grass skirt (of course, it wasn't real grass, as it was violently orange). To Jack's (and everyone's, even Fido's) astonishment, he wasn't wearing anything else. Except for the wig.

Jack stared, Will gaped, Elizabeth screamed and hid behind Will, Davy Jones laughed a very high, uncontrollable, and enormously evil laugh that sounded rather like the Wicked Witch of the West, Norrington gasped and covered his face in horror, and Fido had the strong inclination to go on a stampede, but she controlled herself and snorted very loudly instead.

Jack had a sudden and unexplainable urge to hide. Somewhere in a very dark corner where no one could find him.

A/N: I work on this story when I'm feeling random. I sometimes get ideas for it in the middle of boring conversations with people. It's weird! But I love writing this! Go wooly rhinos! Please review! If you have a price you're willing to pay for the rights to Pirates of the Caribbean, name it in your review!


	3. An Epic Quest for Peanut Butter Cocon

**Armageddon: Pirates of the Caribbean Style**

Disclaimer: If I owned Pirates of the Caribbean, what you will shortly read (hopefully) will roughly resemble At World's End. As AWE will be nowhere close to this insane, I don't own PotC.

**An Epic Quest... for Peanut Butter Coconut Vanilla Ice Cream with Caramel Sauce!**

**A/N: Okay, I finally decided to update this! My last update until AWE! It's so exciting, my heart is making little bounds of joy, which seem to bring me dangerously close to a heart attack... Anyways, hope you like this chapter of insanity!**

Jack looked at everyone, feeling, for the first time in his life, like the only sane person for miles around.

Beckett sat down on a barrel in the middle of the deck, trying to get him breath back. There was a moment of silence. Even Fido was quiet.

Then Elizabeth burst into song again.

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high;" she sang. Will happily joined in with,

"There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby."

Davy Jones went back to playing on his organ along with the music, Fido mooed along as best she could, and Norrington harmonized, or at least, attempted to.

Jack buried his face in his hands in despair.

"Will!" Elizabeth cried suddenly. "I need peanut butter coconut vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce! I need it right now!"

"Yes, my love!" Will exclaimed, and dashed to the railing of the ship, as if expecting to see a cone of the requested peanut butter coconut vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce. Elizabeth ran over to him and clutched his arm.

"Will! We must embark on a quest to find it! I must have the ice cream! The earth's very existence depends upon it!"

"Set a course for the northwest!" Will cried.

"Why northwest?" Davy Jones asked.

"Everyone knows that peanut butter coconut vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce comes from a mysterious land in the northwest! Set course for the northwest!"

This was too much. Jack might be completely incompetent, but he was still captain.

"_I'm_ captain of this ship!" he yelled. "And I decide where we're sailing! And that is _not_ a mysterious land in the northwest with peanut butter coconut vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce!"

"But – but," Elizabeth cried, her eyes filling with tears. "I have to have my peanut butter coconut vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce!"

Suddenly, Barbossa appeared out of nowhere. Jack should have know that something like this was coming, but that didn't make the shock of seeing Barbossa in a white wedding dress any better.

Not only did Barbossa have a white wedding dress on, he also had a wide-brimmed hat, decorated, instead of flowers, with green apples.

He was holding an ice cream cone.

"Here's some peanut butter coconut vanilla ice cream, Elizabeth," he said, giving it to her.

Elizabeth took it happily, completely disregarding Barbossa bizarre appearance.

"But, there's no caramel sauce!" she cried in horror.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't get any," Barbossa apologized.

"I have to have the caramel sauce!" she yelled, and threw the ice cream overboard.

"Someone help me…" groaned Jack.

**A/N: Please review! I'll give you imaginary rum and chocolate!**


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